Do you honestly think I’m not scared? You call me brave, I feel more like desperate. I can’t breathe. I’ve been struggling for too many months now. I can’t inhale and exhale without hurting. And I’m terrified. This new challenge is all about me and trusting myself. No safety net.
Imagine you’ve been watching professional acrobats for ages. And they impressed you. But it was never something you’d think you’d do. You had your jumps up and down. Nothing too crazy. Or maybe that’s how you have seen it. And now you’re in the situation when you’re gonna make your first real stunt, which might be the last one, too. Or so you think.
The reality is that you don’t know what’s coming after. And as much as this feeling is exhilarating, you can’t breathe. And your grasp doesn’t help you. The smile brings to your soul is one of the reasons you know you have to do this. To save yourself. But first time at the circus and you’re going for the trapeze? With no safety net? Maybe this is why people think you’re brave.
It’s funny how some are asking me if I thought about this. Only every day since I started thinking. Maybe I’m overreacting. But I always knew it’s more to life than this. Whatever your this is. Mine was surviving. But why should survival be enough in one’s life? Why not win, crush, and overcome every single challenge in your way? This time I’m gonna defeat my anxiety. This time I’ll become who I need to be. For myself.
Why should being scared stop me? You still call me brave, I feel more like careless. But it feels so damn good to be able to breathe again. The most challenging thing I have ever done was my 8-month solo trip to South America.
I started my journey with a secret desire to change all my bad habits. Six months in and I finally understood I am meant to accept them, not change them. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a story of an insecure girl who didn’t know who she is, and along her travels not only does she discover herself but she actually fell in love with herself, too.
Nope! I was already the most important person in my life before starting the trip. The one thing I wanted to do is to stop making bad decisions for myself. I admit I am still struggling sometimes to choose between desire and common sense. Between good and bad. Like a sore muscle that needs a good massage before embarking on a new hike. I am the only one responsible for my own actions and decisions. And for all it’s worth, happiness will forever be the guidance in my life.
However, some little things did change. I know my worth better than ever. I know I can be a badass, cry my heart out the next day and still not feel less of a person. I know now that my worth should never be left in someone else’s hands and most importantly, that my happiness should never ever again be the burden of the person next to me.
Originally published on April 13, 2019